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The Olestra Page

Ole Olestra!

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This page contains:

The Sweet Sounds of Olestra (Parody songs about Olestra).

Poetry in Motion (Poems about Olestra).

A Potful o' Gold (Limericks about Olestra).

Gesundheit! (Olestra Haikus).

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The Sweet Sounds of Olestra

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Ode to friend Olestra

(to the tune of Puttin' On The Ritz)

Olean and Olestra
Soybean oil we can't digest-a
Makes me look fit,
Givin' me the shits

Constant quick evacuation
Brings intestine animation
To where I sit,
Givin me the shits

Have you seen me run past you
In a hurry to make poo
To the bathroom, bent in two
Moving quick or I'll be screwed

Ow what an awful feelin'
That Olean to me is dealin'
I really hope that I'm
goin to make it in time

Eat what you want,
It will not haunt you
It will no stick around to taunt you
On your hips,
Givin' me the shits

-Composed by slick runnings

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Olean

(sung to the tune of Dolly Parton's Jolene)

Olean... Olean... Olean... Olean
I'm begging you, please leave my sphincter shut
Olean... Olean... Olean... Olean
Please don't go and lubricate my gut

You're found in products everywhere, with fatty taste beyond compare;
Of mouth-feel, so enticing, you're the queen!
Each cake is tasty, but so brief, each chip is crisp as autumn leaf;
And I cannot eat just a few, Olean

You wake me up when I'm asleep; there's nothing I can do to keep
From oozing when I've had too much Olean
And I can easily see now too, how you can easily flow right through,
But you don't know what that means to me Olean

(chorus)

Well you're in every kind of snack, but I could never turn my back
You're the only fat for me Olean
I have to have this talk with you, my skinniness depends on you
Whatever you decide to do Olean

(chorus)

- Composed by Sprite & Eli

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Olestra Avenue

(sung to the tune of Eddy Grant's Electric Avenue)

Well, I went down to the grocer
To buy a bag of olestra chips
I wish the bathroom was closer
Because the poop from out my ass drips

Oh God, we gotta squat down to Olestra Avenue
And then we get the crampin's
Dear God, we gotta squat down to Olestra Avenue
And then we buy some tampons

My girl, she want to be slimmer
So she can fit in her bathing suit
She had olestra with dinner
And now she cannot close her poopchute

Oh God, we gotta squat down to Olestra Avenue
And now we can't stop fartin'
I say, we gotta squat down to Olestra Avenue
We smell worse than Dean Martin

OH NO!
OH NO!
OH NO!
OH NO!

OH GOD! We gotta squat down to Olestra Avenue
Our pants are filled with gravy
Oh Lord, we gotta squat down to Olestra Avenue
At least we are not heavy

-Author Unknown

Poetry in Motion (Poems about Olestra)

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An Olestra Sonnet

Is this the oil that launched a thousand chips?
Make haste toward that tiled, enchanted room.
Prepare thy drawers perchance some foul thing slips,
Or thundrous peals from out thy cornhole boom.

Though nature's oils sufficed from dawn of man
For culinary functions tried and true,
It seems that P&G technicians can
Replace them with an oleated goo.

And now Olestra has begun her reign.
The Dark Queen sits and cackles in the night,
Dispensing bouts of shooting rectal pain.
Her fudge erupts from sphincters once held tight.

Beware the chips that claim to be your friend.
The Hershey squirts will get you in the end.

-Lester McGirkendirken

"THE EPIC OF GILGAMESH"

(as translated into Olestra Haiku)

In the great hall of
Heorot lives Gilgamesh,
Lover of grizzle

But the savage beast
Grendel breathes olestra fire
and kills Inkidu,

Gilgamesh's buddy.
Now our hero must destroy
the olean demon.

May the gods protect
as he searches for fat-free
immortality.

-Fuimus

A Potful 0' Olestra Limericks

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Though olestra is good for our hearts
It brings uncontrollable farts.
And soon after ingestion
You'll find that digestion
Comes only in fits and in starts.

-Alex

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Guiltlessly gobbling greasy chips
No it's not carmex that's shining our lips
Its olestra, a disaccharide
that wont make your butt wide
and will bypass your belly and hips

-Unknown
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With your ever decreasing adipose tissue
Your size 10 jeans will start to miss you
You'll be equated
with the Sports Illustrated
Annual swimsuit issue

-Dr. Jennifer A. Travers

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There once was a man from Kentucky
Who fed Olean chips to his duckie
The duck laid a trail
Like some glutinous snail
It was brown and it stank and was yukky

-Unknown

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A teacher who hailed from Manassass
Fed Olestra to all of her classes
When the poor children farted
Disgusting mess started
Erupting from all of their asses

-Unknown

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There once was a small man from Mars
Who was planning to make off with Lars
But Lars slipped him a chip
And E.T. let one rip
And propelled himself back to the stars

-Unknown

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Olestra, you are such a wonder,
Inciting my bunghole to thunder.
I fall to my knees
Cutting horrible cheese
Appalled at the scientists' blunder.

-Lester McGirkendirken

15 Olestra Haikus

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From Grassy Knoll to Assy Hole -- could Olestra Have slain JFK?

- Shakma

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She's so beautiful But she stained my upholstery At least she's not fat

- Sean Medlock

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Olean solves my woes
except for one small problem
I need more butt wipe!

-Slick Runnings

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i want to lose weight
ah ha! fat free super chips
farewell white panties

-The Queen

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This poop angers me
I am no longer a man
Just a sad sluice pipe.

-axolotl

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Cramping in the loo,
Squatting and crying "Olean"!
As I paint the walls.

-Goldilocks

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Fat free promises
Something's not right, I know it
A tremulous blast

-JonB

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some Metamucil
For my Pringle-eating friend
Colon's on the floor

-David Haggishuff

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Trip to New Oleans
Go Greyhound? No, I must ride
the porcelain bus

-DJ 6-Foot Slinky

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Olestra question.....
Does it make you poop alot?
Not sure, it "Depends"

-MJJ

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Olean Godzilla!
Pray that he stomps us and not
just stands overhead.

-ARBOTX

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Olean has made me Thin but unapproachable Gaseous force-field

-Sean Medlock

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Clinton eats Olean.
Ken Starr proves he's origin
of big White House leaks.

-ARBOTX

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Wow! cannot describe
The explosion in my pants.
Which way to the can?

-Amy

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Fecal urgency --
I cannot leave the subway.
Oh, no! Laundry time.

-Blossom

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