toiletsongs

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A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"

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Tyler was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Tyler raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Tyler to be quick. Five minutes later Tyler returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Tyler down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Tyler looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a while, to help him find the bathroom.

So, Tommy and Tyler go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.

The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

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There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

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A Belch is but a gust of wind
That cometh from the Heart,
But should it take a downward trend,
Turneth into a Fart

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Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.

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Sister Mary Catherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Catherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
    "Sister Mary Catherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
     "Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "it helps her constipation, you know."
     So Jack sold her the brandy.
     Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Catherine. And she was hammered.   She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
     A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Catherine! For Shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
     Sister Mary Catherine didn't miss a beat as replied: "And so it is me lad, so it is. When she sees me she's going to shit!"

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RESTROOM

Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing

next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders

to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help

him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"  Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"  Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair

clumps, rashes, moles, scabs,  scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him.

Bob  then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate  it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says,

"I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
>She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
>When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
>face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress
>his beard which is full and bushy.
>
>"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
>hands.
>
>"Actually, no" he replies.
>
>"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks,
>running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
>
>"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
>there anything I can do?"
>
>"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
>huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
>him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper
>in the ladies room."

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If your an American before you go into the toilet, and your an American when you come out of the toilet, what are you when your are in the toilet?

:-) Yer a pee'in

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A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little hole.
     One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell French toast!"
     The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell pancakes!"
     The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.
     So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is molasses."

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The magic of toilet paper

A husband tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror looking at herself asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

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This was on the Leno show 9-7-99.   Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner told about her first date experience.
     She said it was snowing and cold and the guy took her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, and truly had
never met before.
     The date went OK until they were coming back that afternoon.   They were going along in the car and she had to pee real bad, but it was still about an hour more back to civilization. He said she should try to hold it, and she did . . . for a while. It finally came to the point where she told him that he could either stop and let her pee beside the road, or in the front seat of his car.
     They stopped and she went out beside the car and pulled her pants down and started. Well, she didn't have real good balance, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. He was a real gentleman and looked the other way.
     When she was finished, she quickly noticed that her warm butt had stuck to the fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handle nightmares immediately came to mind and she soon realized that she had a real problem. She was thinking of every way she could to get released from his fender. He was getting a bit concerned too, and finally cried out to her asking if she was OK. Well, with a red face, she said she was freezing her butt off!
     She finally had to ask for assistance. Now this isn't the worst of the story, there's more to come. She took off her sweater and covered herself as good as she could and asked him to come around to see if he could help. After the laughter subsided, they assessed the situation. They had a real problem. They agreed that they needed something warm to melt her butt off of the fender.
     Thinking about the pee that she just sprinkled on the ground made her think that pee is about the only thing that they had that could get her free. Well, after exploring every other possible solution, she looked the other way, and so did he, and proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. The rest of the trip home there wasn't much conversation.

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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
     Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
     Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.
     "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.

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     A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
     A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
     The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
     "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
     "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
     With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

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It is Written (on the bathroom walls).

Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone scribbled: "I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself."
In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant: "It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit. It only takes Burger King 10 minutes."
Sign posted in a bathroom: "We aim to please! You aim too! Please!"
"Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal. We don't piss in your ashtrays!"
"Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance"
"$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down into the toilet...).
A sign I saw at a swimming pool once : "We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!"
Another sign seen at a swimming pool: "Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it. Please keep it that way."
Sign seen at a restaurant: "The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly..."
Here's one seen above a urinal: "look up look up" [even higher on the wall] "keep looking up" [on the ceiling] "Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!"
While you are sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door: "Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left." [You look left and it reads]: "Look Right" [You look right and it reads:] "Look Left..."
(written above a urinal): "Why are you looking up here? Are you ashamed of it?"
Some people come here to take a shit, I come here to leave one.
Here I lie in stinky vapor, because some bastard stole the toilet paper, shall I lie, or shall I linger, or shall I be forced to use my finger...
Here I sit, broken hearted, tried to shit, but only farted...
You're lucky you had your chance, I tried to fart and shit my pants!
I came here, to shit and stink, but all I do is sit and think...

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These are a compilation of jokes found all over the web. If you have any jokes or funny experiences you'd like to add to the toilet joke page, please e-mail us at:

supertoiletbrush@earthlink.net